The great failed experiments of Szayel
by lilium cyntha
Summary: So what happened when the arrancar were in las noches read to find out! Oh and Szayel is a lot more immature than we thought everyone!
1. Starrk has gone high

Ok this is my first fanfiction that I'm POSTING online so yes, as I said in the summary this is a crack fic if you don't like these then leave now (oh who doesn't love crack fics?)

**disclaimer- I don't own bleach, Szayel the arrancars and Gin or Tousen they belong to Mr. Kubo **

* * *

t'was finally over the winter war, everything was normal again and while some this were still out of place it wasn't even near as messy as it was before yes this was true but today we go back in time a little to some days in las noches to see some of the most weird things too ever happen in the world ... EVER.

* * *

it was a fine day in las noches everything was just 'normal' Szayel was doing his experiments Nnoitra was being an emo psychopath (not that anyone knows) Grimmjow an actual psychopath was chopping things up for absolutely no reason Starrk was just snoozing around ... AGAIN Zommari was meditating Aaroniero was doing nothing Barragan was rambling about being king Ulquiorra was doing nothing because Aizen didn't tell him to do anything Halibel was observing things and Yammy was eating everything.

And what was our favourite pink haired scientist doing? The answer was he he was being bored! Yes the crazy scientist that could think of ANYTHING to do was being bored ... Not exactly normal for him well this was the case before he thought

"Starrk must have something to do rather than sleep all day"

and then it hit Szayel like a bunch of reiatsu covered bricks

**energy drinks**

So without anyone's knowledge Szayel went to the world of the living and went to a supermarket shop he thought was called Walmart and he wiped the shelves clean from coffee, suger and energy drinks and bought them all!

Then he went to Starbucks and raided them ... because Szayel had all the money in the world to spend.

Szayel then just went to a random store and got all the mountain dews, red bull, venom energy, powerade and monster energies he could find and then he left the world of the living and went back to las noches.

So Szayel had a mission and that mission was to make Starrk the laziest person ever to be hyper not exactly the easiest job out there per-see.

Szayel mixed all the things he had into one liquid and used his science powers to make it look like tea all there was to do now was to keep it eternally hot (easy for Szayel) and wait till there was a meeting.

* * *

** 1 week later **

Szayel had arrived at the meeting earlier than the other arrancar and went up to the place Starrk usually sat and quickly drinker the tea and replaced it with his mega super energy drink he then sat down like absolutely NOTHING happened ...

One by one each espada came in and eventually Aizen came along everyone then drank all their tea since you NEVER mess with tea man Aizen EVER and so Starrk got high

"OH GREAT AIZEN-SAMA"

Starrk suddenly said jumping on a table he then unsheathed his sword

"PLEASE LET ME THANK YOU FOR ALL THE NACHOES PONIES AND UNICORNS YOU HAVE BESTOWED UPON US"

And everyone, yes including Aizen, had WTF IS HAPPENING faces on

"AHHHHH IT'S ADOLF HITLER!"

Starrk said pointing frantically at Aizen

Aizen not knowing what the hell was going on just replied

"I'm Adolf Hitler I'm the white witch"

"YOU KILLED ASLAN OFF WITH YO HEAD"

"WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT" Nnoitra just yelled

Starrk looked towards him and stared before

"Oh lookey here if it isn't the tin man ... Who found his heart" Starrk then put a hand on his heart

"but even if you've found your heart your still a tin man time to oil you up!"

Starrk then just randomly took an oil can out of nowhere and started putting the oil on Nnoitra

Starrk then threw the oil can into the air and ran out of the meeting room singing

"Ma-ia-hii

Ma-ia-huu

Ma-ia-hoo

Ma-ia-haha

Ma-ia-hii

Ma-ia-huu

Ma-ia-hoo

Ma-ia-haha

Ma-ia-hii

Ma-ia-huu

Ma-ia-hoo

Ma-ia-haha

Ma-ia-hii

Ma-ia-huu

Ma-ia-hoo

Ma-ia-haha"

There was silence before everyone said

"Wasn't me"

but the only thing that was going though the mind of the one responsible for this was

"plan success"

* * *

Ok how did I do? Who do you want me to do next? I will put up a vote on my profile so BE PREPARED TO VOTE

- Ellukaschiffer out


	2. The GrimmUlqui

Yeah I know a lot of you want me to do a Ulqui/Hime for this chapter but i thought of this and I just couldn't help but put it up! so yeah.

Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach

* * *

Szayel was in his lab and he had come across something called

"Fanfiction"

Szayel had no idea what this was so he decided to read it was it creepy, YES Szayelaporro Granz the evil crazy scientist thought something was creepy, what was he supposed to do about it?

Szayel was reading the Fanfiction it was about Grimmjow and Ulquiorra and how they were doing shit together, wait ... that didn't sound right in other words they were having-erm- stuff.

Szayel thought this was vulgar before he thought it through

"What if I make the entire land of las noches here this" he then grinned and decided

"Oh yes"

So he got the speakers and made his lab go into

Super protection trap mode.

Super protection trap mode is where Szayel had a whole bunch of traps set up EVERYWHERE meaning there was no escape the traps he had were floor traps and wall traps and ceiling traps and monster traps and fake traps and maiming traps and lethal traps and humiliation traps and traps that drop you into other traps and even flower traps! That way Grimmjow or Ulquiorra couldn't do ANYTHING to him!

Szayel then spoke into the speaker

"Hellllllooo"

And they're we're various reactions around las noches such as

"Ok, who made Szayel drunk"

Or

"Oh fuck"

Or

" Mr. Gay is at it ... AGAIN"

Szayel spoke into the speaker once more

"Today I'm going to be talking about a special story with Grimmjow and Ulquiorra in it"

Ulquiorra remained silent and uncaring Grimmjow on the other hand was pissed off to the ends of the universe

"WHAT THE F#CK IS THAT LITTLE B*#TCH A$$ GAY PRICK, FU#%ING DOING NOW?!"

Szayel noticed this from one of the security cameras and just decided to speak to Grimmjow just because he could

"Now, now Grimmjow do not get so hasty it's just a little story I found"

"F#CK YOU"

Szayel began reading

**"One day Ulquiorra took all his arrancar uniform off ..."**

Ulquiorra frowned even more than usual

"I wouldn't ever do that my uniform is a symbol to my own loyalty to Aizen-Sama"

**"And put hobo clothes on"**

Meanwhile in Nnoitras palace

"H-HOBO OH DEAR LORD THAT'S-TOO-GOOD, ULQUIORRA A HOBO"

"WHAT IS HE A COFFIN HOBO?"

**"Ulquiorra then went to the bar"**

"I am not a drunk idiot"

And saw various people

"F#CK YOU SZAYEL" Grimmjow yelled

**"Ulquiorra walked off into the las noches bar"**

"I'm not a hopeless drunkard"

**"Like the loser he is"**

"PFFFT OH MY GOD, THIS IS TOO MUCH BUT I MUST LISTEN" Nnoitra was practically rolling on the floor

**"He then sat down and took a drink until he saw another espada approaching him"**

all espada in there quarters were now praying to god that it wasn't them, they all seemed to forget who the story was about

**"That espada was Grimmjow"**

"NOOOOOOOOOO"

**"They then drank together and-"**

"SZAYEL IF YOU DON'T STOP THIS I WILL FUCKING TEAR YOUR THROAT OUT" Grimmjow screamed.

Ulquiorra stayed calm about the situation but even he had some disgusted facial expressions on him

**"They then went to the broom closet"**

Halibel spit out her drink

**"Grimmjow tore Ulquiorra's shirt off"**

"THIS IS TOO MUCH" Ulquiorra finally lost his cool

**"And licked his collarbone all the way to his abdomen"**

abdomen, that sentence sounded ... blah also known as gross

_"THIS IS IT YOU F#CKTARD IM GOING INTO YOUR LABORATORY TO KILL YOU RIGHT NOW" it was fairly obvious whose mouth that came out of._

_"I have super protection trap mode on"_

"DAMN YOU"

**"They then continued all night long"**

"This is going to give me nightmares" Starrk lazily said surprisingly awake

**"Grimmjow knew that Ulquiorra would kill him in the morning but right now nobody cared"**

"I DO"

"SAME HERE SON OF A BITCH" this came from Ulquiorra

Ulquiorra and Grimmjow then started screaming there lungs out at Szayel but Szayel didn't care, others surely did and Aizen didn't blame them.

* * *

how did I do this time? the vote isn't finished yet so it's still official so still be prepared to vote

-Ellukaschiffer out


	3. Tea madness

Hello another update of this crack fic :)

Disclaimer: I don't own bleach

* * *

It was just a day in Szayels lab, a day where Szayel was getting a whole bunch of rifles, shotguns etc on his desk. He also had a whole load of pistols and was loading the guns with pistols!

Why exactly did the very mad scientist need guns? For Aizen! And not in the good way, Szayel planned to shoot every tea bag, tea cup and instant tea in the whole of las noches!

Szayel the got all his guns strapped them onto him and then he rolled on the floor into one of the doors he used to get around las noches and appeared at a random place in las noches.

Unfortunately Gin was right there at the time.

"What do you think your doing Szayelaporro?"

"Uhmmmm an experiment?"

Too bad for Szayel that Gin saw the guns strapped onto his uniform.

Gin gasped "your playing Sherlock Holmes and didn't tell me"

Szayel mentally face palmed himself it was a good thing Gin was an idiot.

"You could put it like that"

Gin then got a gun out of practically nowhere and knelt down beside Szayel "so who are we going to assassinate now?"

"We are going to destroy anything tea related in here, meaning we will drive Aizen insane"

"So what are our code names" Gin asked, once again Szayel found himself mentally face palming

"Why must I ask do we need code-names?" Szayel just wanted to see the results of insane-Aizen already

"Every detective needs a code-name" Gin explained like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Fine what's your code name"

"Silver and your Dorothy" Gin was seriously saying this!

"No just no I will be ... ASLAN!" Szayel exclaimed

Gin gave a look of shock at Szayel "does that mean you've been to Narnia"

This time Szayel actually faced palmed himself "no I have not been to Narnia since it doesn't EXIST"

Gin gasped "Szayel ..."

"You don't believe"

'Oh dear lord it's coming' Szayel thought to himself

"You don't believe your own sister" Gin backed up against the wall "OH THE HORROR"

"Ok Gin calm down, I do believe in Narnia I do!" 'I don't' what was really going through the head of Szayel.

"Do you mean it Szayel? Do you mean it?" Gin said in between pants of horror

"Yes I mean it" Szayel exclaimed 'no I don't imbecile' was what he was supposed to say.

Gin then hugged Szayel "THANKYOU ASLAN"

Gin then deactivated safety check on his gun "time to screw the kitchen up!"

He then did flips and summersaults everywhere like a spy.

Gin and Szayel then walked along unfortunately they came across Nnoitra

"What in the motherf#cking hell are you two doing" Nnoitra asked

Gin pulled his Gun out "hands up sucker we are going to assassinate you!" Gin then whipped on black sunglasses, Szayel following along with the act put on black sunglasses as well although with Szayel he flipped a stand of his hair and said "bitch I'm famous so hands up bitch"

Nnoitra just stood there with his mouth hanging open, this had got to be the weirdest sight he had ever seen.

Gin started walking around with his head tilting everywhere like one of those stuck up bitchy bosses in movies.

"I see you don't want to leave or get arrested so ..."

Szayel continued from Gins sentence

"You will have to join us in our plan"

Now Nnoitra had no idea what the hell was going on so he decided to ask

"What in the frigen hell are you doing?"

"Assassinating Aizens tea"

"Count me in" Nnoitra had always wanted to do one thing that would piss Aizen off to make him go insane.

Szayel gave Nnoitra a gun "we are playing Sherlock Holmes- reality"

Gin nodded "you need the glasses too"

Nnoitra face-palmed himself he couldn't believe he was going to be doing this "fine I'll wear the damn glasses"

And so Nnoitra wore the glasses.

* * *

By the time Szayel,Nnoitra and Gin had gotten to the kitchen Szayel had came up with a plan!

"Ok so we get all the espada together in a room get all of them to smash the objects sonido away and when Aizen finds out pull the blame on them"

Gin and Nnoitra nodded and thus they got all the espada together whether it was Nnoitra scaring the crap out of the members ranked below him, Gin ordering them to do it or Szayel with his gun and needle, they did it.

"What are we here for trash?" Ulquiorra calmly questioned

"Would this be quick I'm tired as hell" Starrk said for what seemed like the 6 million 5 hundred 30 million 1 hundred 24 thousand 7 hundred and 10th time... Or perhaps he had said it that many times!

Gin unraveled a cloth to reveal every last tea ornament in las noches.

The espada minus Szayel and Nnoitra gasped

"Aizens tea shit" Starrk said in amazement.

"Holy crap on a cracker" Grimmjow stated.

"Where did you get Aizen-Samas tea thingies" Ulquiorra asked

Gin shrugged "we went around las noches mostly the kitchen"

"So ..." Nnoitra began but to end the sentence he threw one of the tea mugs, Szayel and Gin shot the tea cups.

Grimmjow got a tea cup and threw it,it smashed into the wall Braking soon everyone started to either shoot, throw or eat Aizens tea things ... Ok Yammy was the only one who ate them.

When this ended Szayel stopped and pointed to the ground and said "now ..."

"Clean it up"

Before Szayel used sonido back to his lab and boy where the other espada pissed off at him.

They then heard footsteps and right after that Aizen appeared seeing all his tea ornaments broken started a choking noise that sounded like a dying duck following that a dying cat them a dying horse then a dying walrus before Aizen started screaming

"IT'S TOO LATE TO APOLOGISE, IT'S TOO LATE"

"IT'S TOO LATE TO APOLOGISE, IT'S TOO LATE"

"IT'S TOO LATE TO APOLOGISE, IT'S TOO LATE"

It was hell for Starrk and paradise for Grimmjow and Nnoitra.

Meanwhile our scientist is watching the scene play out from his laboratory and he knew once Aizen returned back to normal everyone would be punished ... besides from him.

* * *

The vote is still up I'm just going to continue updating this until I have enough votes to do something.


	4. Barbie girl

I bring you all yet another chapter, fyi I was listening to classical metal while writing this :)

**disclaimer: **I don' own bleach , we all know that lol

* * *

The espada were having tea, it was rather normal, Aizen orders them to the eating room only to make them have tea & only tea & nothing else especially after the destroyed tea incident unfortunately for everyone, Szayel had put a random liquid in Tousen Kanames drink, oh and did I mention Grimmjow was late & Aizen wasn't there.

Tousen randomly stood up on the table and said in a slurred voice,

"Hellllo everybodyyyy, todayyyyy I'm goiiiiiinnng tooooo showwwww youuuuu alllll myyyyyy favouriteeee sonnnnnng"

Everybody looked at him weird;

'Its obviously going to be judgment of corruption' Nnoitra, the obsessed vocaloid fan thought.

"TURN THE BEAT ON" Tousen yelled to well, nobody and yet a beat came on & it was NOT what everyone was thinking would come on.

"I'M A BARBIE GIRL IN THE BARBIE WORLD"

at this point Grimmjow had just walked in only to see Tousen sing freaking barbie girl of all things!

"LIFE IS PLASTIC, ITS FANTASTIC"

Gin was defiantly not missing this chance, he got out his cellphone & began recording this was going on youtube tomorrow in the absolute best quality & sound!

"YOU CAN BRUSH MY HAIR UNDRESS ME ANYWHERE"

the sight was so amazing hilarious that even Ulquiorra was smirking and gosh was it creepy but nobody cared the reality of Tousen singing barbie girl right in front of them was to good for anyone to even give a shit about Ulquiorra right now.

"IMAGINATION, ITS YOUR CREATION"

"Oh rly now?" Nnoitra replied back to what Tousen just sang.

"C'MON BARBIE, LETS GO PARTY"

"ah, ah, ah, yeah" Tousen, let's just say shook his hips while singing this part.

Everybody, yes even Ulquiorra went into a laughing fit.

"Ooh, ooh, ooh"

"C'mon barbie, lets go party"

"ah, ah, ah yeah"

"ooh, ooh, ooh"

Gin could NOT believe that Aizen wasn't here to see this.

'sucks for Aizen" Gin thought

"I'M A BARBIE GIRL IN THE BARBIE WORLD"

"LIFE IS PLASTIC, ITS FANTASTIC!"

"JOIN IN GRIMMJOW" Tousen yelled while dancing like a 5 year old girl

Grimmjow chocked on air "SAY WHAT?"

"IF YOU DONT I SHALL CUT YOUR ARM OFF AGAIN FOR BARBIES FUTURE" Tousen yelled!

Grimmjows eye twitched he could NOT believe he was doing this.

"C'MON BARBIE LETS GO PARTY"

Gin was laughing like there is no tomorrow, he got to humiliate Tousen AND Grimmjow, how much better could it get?

As soon as Gin thought this Ulquiorra went totally batshit insane and sang along, everybody could barely even take a breath at the situation as for Szayel ... he was laughing the most, since he's the entire reason why this was HAPPENING.

"I'M A BLOND BIMBO GIRL" Ulquiorra screeched, and of all times Aizen had chosen right now to walk in, REALLLLLLLL SMOOOOOTH Aizen, reaaaal smooth.

Aizen for the very first time had NOTHING to say about this and he burst in laughter, Ulquiorra screeching that he is a blond bimbo girl with Tousen AND Grimmjow of all people shaking there hips with him, how much better could this get?

It didn't work for Aizen unfortunately.

Aizen then realised that he couldn't laugh any longer "OK, PARTYS OVER"

Grimmjow feel to the floor "THANK GOD!"

Tousen & Ulquiorra on the other hand got light sabers out of nowhere and skipped out of the room with the star wars theme playing.

* * *

***the next day* **

Gin was partying in his room from 90,000,000,00 views on the video of Grimmjow, Tousen and Ulquiorra theme playing, it- had gone viral. Lets just say that they were all pissed off at Gin but he was stronger than all of them so they didn't attack him, that and Aizen had forbid it.

* * *

Nailed it xD how I managed to write this chapter while listening to metal shall forever be a mystery. Anyways I'm thinking of making this fanfiction 25-30 chapters because THE PLOT BUNNIES are attacking I'm stuck between writing a Naruto rewrite or bleach rewrite -_- I'm leaning towards Naruto, it needs a rewrite.


	5. Nnoitra has become a derp

Nnoitra has become a derp

Another chapter! I'm trying to get this thing done since I want to start my bleach rewrite _

Disclaimer: I don't own bleach, or Szayel or anything else used in this.

* * *

Szayel was typing away on his sciency shit, what he was planning to do, that was to make a device put it on someone & see the results. The device was to make the person do whatever he said, best thing about it was that nobody except he and the user would hear what he was saying.

"Done!" Szayel exclaimed (well no shit genius)

Nnoitra took this chance of all times to barge into the room;

"Szayel-"

Szayel looked at Nnoitra with stars in his eyes before, kicking Nnoitra to the ground and putting the device on his ear.

"Now, say link start"

"Are you fucking kidding me? There is no way I'm saying link start" nice work Nnoitra, you just said link start.

"Good Nnoitra! Now start singing on a speaker so the whole of las noches can hear.

"COFEE, SODA, TOFEE, PASTA, COFEE, SODA, GIVE ME COFEE!"

"What the fuck?! Why is that bastard singing about midnight gaming snacks" Grimmjow yelled.

"Insolent fool" Ulquiorra commented

Szayel clapped "good, now ... go to each espadas room & insult them personally and if they try to kill you then put your favourite song on and skip away"

"roger, master" Nnoitra replied like a robot.

"Pfttttt"

Nnoitra then walked away off to Yammys room.

* * *

"Hey Yammy, hey Yammy"

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT SQURIM"

"GO FUCK YOURSELF"

Yammy was about to punch Nnoitra in the face before ...

"FUCK YOU, AND YOU, BECAUSE SOMEBODY TOOK MY PANTS, WHY?, I WONDER WHY? MY FUCKING PANTS" and then Nnoitra then skipped off to AAronieros place.

"What the actual fuck" Yammy muttered loudly.

* * *

When Nnoitra arrived to AAronieros palace and went in he yelled

"HI DID YOU KNOW YOUR GAY IN A BAD WAY?"

AAroniero was beyond confused "since when did being gay was a good thing anyway?"

Nnoitra gasped "YOU LITTLE BITCH" before slapping AAroniero, he then started singing the sword art online opening dramatically, when he finished he skipped off again

AAroniero looked on at the direction Nnoitra went off in "attack on titan is better than sword art online obviously"

* * *

Nnoitra arrived at Zommaris palace

"Zommari did you know, did you know"

Zommari opened the door

"what?"

"I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CAN NOT LIE,EVEN YOUR MAMA CANT DENY THAT I JUST KILLED MYSELF WHILE PARTYING WITH MISA AND DIED"

Nnoitra then ran off to Grimmjow, however ...

"... but that's not the lyrics"

* * *

"KITTY, HERE KITTY, KITTY, KITTY"

Grimmjow kicked open his door "fuck off I am not a kitty"

"but Grimmjow, I was going to sing you a special song"

"WELL I DONT CARE ABOUT YOUR SONG NOW GET THE FUCK OUT"

Nnoitra began singing anyway

"soft kitty  
warm kitty  
little ball of fur  
happy kitty  
sleepy kitty  
pur pur pur"

if your wondering Nnoitra was dodging a roundhouse of punches while singing that, then ... Nnoitra skipped like a pixie ... to Ulquiorras palace.

* * *

"Ulquiorra"

"What, fool, you were interrupting me from my meeting with an arrancar who wants to join my vampire group, I mean another arrancar wanting to be my fraccion"

"..."

"ULQUIORRA IS A EMO WHO WAS WHEN HE WAS LIVING SASUKE UCHIHA"

"I was not fool, now go away"

at this moment Nnoitra heard Szayel speak to him

"now sing _ _ _"

at this moment Nnoitra started singing ... GUREN NO YUMIYA"

"ulquiorrawasactuallyleviwholosterenhisonlyloveitm akesmuchmoresense" Nnoitra said quickly before leaving"

"I can finally get back to my vampire appointment ..."

* * *

Nnoitra decided to skip Halibel due to Szayels orders ... he wondered why.

"HEY BARRAGAN"

"What underling"

"mug nuked bsafbafhdfa"

"I have no idea what you are saying underling now leave"

"GIVE ME MOTHERFHAKKING COFFEH NOWWW"

Nnoitra then left.

"I think Nnoitra has gone insane and we need to kick him out of the espada, don't you think lord Barragan" Ggio asked.

"yes, Alberto"

"What?"

"I meant Ggio"

* * *

Nnoitra then went to Starrks room the primaras espadas room.

"STARRKY"

Starrk opened his door "you've been annoying the hell out of everyone, and me, this entire day make it quick"

Nnoitra ... then sang CANTARELLA!

after Nnoitra left Starrk questioned "I will forever wonder what those lyrics mean" before finally having sleep and going to sleep.

* * *

Szayel then unactivated the device coming to a conclusion that it was a success & erased all of Nnoitras memories of the day, after all he didn't want himself killed.

* * *

Well this was a very random chapter, anyways now I'm hung on ereri _ that wonderful, wonderful yaoi pairing. And I hate yaoi!


End file.
